Month: October 2005

A major category 2 hurricane called Shazza hit Southampton in the early hours of Tuedsay afternoon The hurricane epicentre was the fashionable suburb of Shirley. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “faaackin ell!”

The hurricane decimated the area causing nearly £50 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro-cheques arrived.

Local radio station, Power FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Shirley apart from the regular punch-up’s outside the Henry Paget pub at closing time.

Nearby Millbrook resident, Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “I was, like, really freaking out! My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom smoking a large spliff crying “What the f*** was that?”

My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on the telly the next morning. I must ‘av smoked 60 Lambert ‘n’ Butlers while I shat meself!”

However it was business as usual for some inhabitants. Muggings, looting, petty drug-dealing, spraying graffiti, senseless acts of vandalism, wife-beating and car crime carried on as normal.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, bone china from Poundland and a wide variety of well-used drug-taking apparatus. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and special fried rice with curry sauce to the area to help the stricken locals.

How can you help?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include…

• FILA baseball caps
• “England” football shirts
• Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
• Shell suits & leggings (female)
• White sport socks
• Rockport boots
• Any garments by Burberry
• Any items by George at Asda or Oswald Bailey

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include…

• Microwave meals
• Pork scratchings
• Tins of baked beans
• Ice cream
• 500 ml cans of lager, preferably Carlsberg Special Brew.
• 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
• £2 buys chips, crisps, blue fizzy drinks and Slush Puppies for a family of 7
• £5 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
• And 25p buys a packet of Rizlas for recycling cigarette-ends and for spliff-rolling – a quasi-religious ceremony enjoyed by the indigenous peoples of Southampton.

Breaking news

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble covered in blood. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked her.

“Bleedin’ Woolston” retorted the child angrily, “Woss that faaackin got to do wiv you?”