May all your swans be geese

Letter from a distraught two-year-old…

Dear Mr Goose,

My Dad and I were feeding some birds on the river a couple of days ago, when a horrid greedy swan stole the bag of bread we had with us straight out of daddys hand. What is the best course of action to take with criminals like this. I was very upset and needed chocolate button thearapy to get over it.

Regards (name withneld)

My reply…

Hello (name withheld),

Yes swans are nasty creatures. Not merely do they look girly but they are vicious devils too. Not like us geese. We are good, quiet, clever web-footed waterfowls. Whereas swans are just overgrown ducks!

Real trouble with swans is that only the Queen is allowed to eat them. If everyone could eat them then there wouldn’t be so many of them and everyone would be happy.

Of course swans are grossly overrated birds and have had their own way for far too long. For example Tchaikovsky’s ballet was going to be called “Goose Pond“. But the swans complained to Tchaikovsky’s publishing company and they called it “Swan Lake” instead. Bah!

Anyway, one day when you are grown up, you can go and buy a gun. Then you can go out and shoot every swan you see. In fact if you go and live in America, they practically give guns away free with boxes of soap powder. That’s because a lot of Americans enjoy shooting things. Some Americans like shooting each other too!

Meantime, I have attached a few nice pictures of some really good geese for you, just in case you shoot them by mistake.


Honk! Honk!

Mr Goose.