Moronic chain emails

If there’s one thing that really gets my feathers ruffled it’s those STUPID chain emails people keep sending to my personal, private email address. Ok, ‘no names, no pack drill’ – but you know who you are!

The truth about chain emails…

Well, I’ll let you all into a little secret: they are all lies. No! you won’t be receiving $1000 dollars from Microsoft for sending ‘this email’ to all your buddies. No! the ‘missing child’ isn’t really missing. She doesn’t actually exist. And No! sending ‘this email’ to everyone you know won’t give you eternal good luck. It won’t make you rich or famous beyond your wildest dreams. It won’t make you beautiful or desirable to the opposite sex (or the same sex if that’s what floats your boat). There is no free trip to Disneyland. Nokia and Ericsson are not giving away free phones. No amount of spamming your mates, (or by now former mates) will cure anyone’s cancer, epilepsy or migraines. And it won’t even touch herpes, chlamydia or any of those ‘social diseases’ you may have contracted after a few good nights out on the town.

So please do NOT forward those stupid chain mails to me!

Chain emails are about as welcome here as a dose of the pox! And I have a special message for the spiteful morons who send me those vile ‘you will have a lifetime of bad luck if you don’t pass on this email to all your friends‘ variety. Cobblers! My ‘bad luck‘ is that I might be in some way associated with you!

On a scale of credibility that already dips well into minus-figures, the most moronic of all the chain emails has to be the the exceptionally dumb Sainsbury’s Vouchers hoax that’s currently doing the rounds here in Old Blighty. And hundreds of silly, greedy Brits have actually fallen for it! Hardly surprising I suppose as this lot actually voted again for that mass-murdering, war-mongering, grinning, two-faced shyster Blair, when he really ought to be serving a long stretch in one of ‘Her Majesty’s hotels’ for war crimes!

Anyway, I will be giving you all the full benefit of my opinion regarding chain emails in a later blog entry. Meantime, here are some sites to visit, particularly with regard to the Sainsbury’s hoax. And just to make it perfectly clear even for those with AOL accounts because in my experience, AOLers seem to be a particularly gullible bunch…

NO! Sainsbury’s is NOT going to give you £60 if you send that dumbassed email to ten of your friends.

It is a HOAX!Mr Goose, you don’t actually have 10 friends, do you? Ed.

AOLers and others with learning difficulties should ask a responsible grown-up to read and explain these to you…

Sites specific to the 2005 October Sainsbury’s hoax…

Recent postings on forums & blogs about the Sainsbury’s hoax…

People who are as miffed as me with the morons who forward this stupid, obvious hoax. Also, one poster suggests the hoax is actually an email harvesting scam…

Good general reading about email hoaxes…

One of the best resources on the web for debunking urban myths

Sainsbury’s response to the hoax (go to bottom of their web page)…

Hurricanes hit Southampton

A major category 2 hurricane called Shazza hit Southampton in the early hours of Tuedsay afternoon The hurricane epicentre was the fashionable suburb of Shirley. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “faaackin ell!”

The hurricane decimated the area causing nearly £50 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro-cheques arrived.

Local radio station, Power FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Shirley apart from the regular punch-up’s outside the Henry Paget pub at closing time.

Nearby Millbrook resident, Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “I was, like, really freaking out! My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom smoking a large spliff crying “What the f*** was that?”

My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on the telly the next morning. I must ‘av smoked 60 Lambert ‘n’ Butlers while I shat meself!”

However it was business as usual for some inhabitants. Muggings, looting, petty drug-dealing, spraying graffiti, senseless acts of vandalism, wife-beating and car crime carried on as normal.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, bone china from Poundland and a wide variety of well-used drug-taking apparatus. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and special fried rice with curry sauce to the area to help the stricken locals.

How can you help?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include…

  • FILA baseball caps
  • “England” football shirts
  • Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
  • Shell suits & leggings (female)
  • White sport socks
  • Rockport boots
  • Any garments by Burberry
  • Any items by George at Asda or Oswald Bailey

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include…

  • Microwave meals
  • Pork scratchings
  • Tins of baked beans
  • Ice cream
  • 500 ml cans of lager, preferably Carlsberg Special Brew.
  • 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
  • £2 buys chips, crisps, blue fizzy drinks and Slush Puppies for a family of 7
  • £5 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
  • And 25p buys a packet of Rizlas for recycling cigarette-ends and for spliff-rolling – a quasi-religious ceremony enjoyed by the indigenous peoples of Southampton.

Breaking news

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble covered in blood. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked her.

“Bleedin’ Woolston” retorted the child angrily, “Woss that faaackin got to do wiv you?”