Author: Mr Goose

Me am the goose and me don't know nuffiunk! As they say in Hungarian... "Nem tudomka ludacska vagyok"
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A few goosy thoughts on the future of Micro$haft

I had to honk with a certain amount of web-footed shadenfreuder when I read that Microsoft Vista, the much-hyped new version of Windows, is to be delayed yet again, till 2007 January this time.

Surely not! 🙂

Click Tux, the Linux penguin to visit http://www.linux.orgThing is, methinks this year (2006) will be the turning point for the open source community. There is so much good free open source software out there now and every day it gets better & better. For example, Linux operating system is now so smooth that for the majority of users, this does everything they need, at zero cost and without the dreadful security issues that seem permanently to plague Windoze users.

And frankly, OpenOffice (the free open source Office suite for both Windows & Linux) is in some respects better than M$ Office.

Even my goosy blog is run on 100% open source software. I’m a poor old goose and I won’t sell any more of my splendid feathers to pay for Windoze! And what about the really poor folks in the majority world? People there simply can’t afford the huge price Micro$oft extorts from its users in the West – for a product that for the last fiteen years has consistently failed to deliver on it promises. Methinks that pretty soon, even wealthy western businesses are going to start asking, “What the flippin’ heck are we paying Micro$haft all this money for?”

Indeed, we are starting to see (here in the UK anyway) cheap, OS-free PC’s. I reckon it may not be long before Windoze becomes an expensive optional extra. I.e. “Linux for free or Windoze for fifty quid”. That kind of thing. Or M$ will have to drop the price considerably. Methinks M$ Office c/w Windoze for tenner would be about right!

Then there is Kofi Annan’s $100 laptop for the majority world. This is his one laptop per child initiative (OLPC). Not a whiff of M$ Windoze here. Just like GarfNet, this baby is 100% penguin-powered and full of unixy goodness. I.e. it runs Linux…

It means that a whole generation of kids will grow up without going anywhere near a M$ product!!!

laptop

Mind you I think the mock-ups look far too nice for a load of horrid, grubby-fingered kids! And how about a one laptop per goose (OLPG) campaign then, Kofi? Rampant goosism, that’s what I call it!

Anyway, I digress. It’s hard to tell what will happen to M$ now. My guess it will be back to the late 1980’s – they’ll be back to giving away Windoze again! 🙂 With lean times on the way for the mighty Micro$haft, I’m not sure what they’ll feed that fat cat, CEO Steve Ballmer?

“Developers, developers, developers, developers” perhaps?

Honk! Honk!

[dedicated to “the Angel”, as she gets her first insights into open source]

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Letter from America

A friend in New Jersey sent me this. I always thought Republicans were such sweet guys! Ah well, read on…

You know you’re Republican when…

  1. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
  2. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
  3. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to the spirit of international harmony.
  4. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
  5. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi- national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
  7. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
  8. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
  9. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
  10. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  11. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
  12. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  13. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
  14. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need ourprayers for your recovery.
  15. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
  16. Remember, Republicans will always be the first and fattest hog at the government trough.

Feel free to pass this on, remember: friends don’t let friends vote Republican!

“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” E B White

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Bushwacked

Following futher concerns from health experts about the global spread of bird flu, United States president George Bush has just announced drastic measures.

Tomorrow morning, the US Airforce will start bombing the Canary Islands.

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Brand new blogging softs bring web-footed wisdom to the world

Me am the splendid goose, not the bendy goose!This is my first posting using this nice new WordPress blog software they just installed on the GarfNet server. About time too. It almost wore my poor little web feet out trying to code all those pages manually. Poor old me.

What is a blog I hear you ask? Well, blog, contrary to what the rest of the nitwits who run GarfNet may think, does NOT stand for Bloody Lazy Old Goose.

No. it’s my web log. A sort of web footed diary about being a good little goose. For the benefit of your education, some of my old stuff has been imported too.

Honk! Honk!

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May all your swans be geese

Letter from a distraught two-year-old…

Dear Mr Goose,

My Dad and I were feeding some birds on the river a couple of days ago, when a horrid greedy swan stole the bag of bread we had with us straight out of daddys hand. What is the best course of action to take with criminals like this. I was very upset and needed chocolate button thearapy to get over it.

Regards (name withneld)

My reply…

Hello (name withheld),

Yes swans are nasty creatures. Not merely do they look girly but they are vicious devils too. Not like us geese. We are good, quiet, clever web-footed waterfowls. Whereas swans are just overgrown ducks!

Real trouble with swans is that only the Queen is allowed to eat them. If everyone could eat them then there wouldn’t be so many of them and everyone would be happy.

Of course swans are grossly overrated birds and have had their own way for far too long. For example Tchaikovsky’s ballet was going to be called “Goose Pond“. But the swans complained to Tchaikovsky’s publishing company and they called it “Swan Lake” instead. Bah!

Anyway, one day when you are grown up, you can go and buy a gun. Then you can go out and shoot every swan you see. In fact if you go and live in America, they practically give guns away free with boxes of soap powder. That’s because a lot of Americans enjoy shooting things. Some Americans like shooting each other too!

Meantime, I have attached a few nice pictures of some really good geese for you, just in case you shoot them by mistake.

dscf3044.jpgdscf3051.jpgdscf3028.jpgdscf3029.jpg

Honk! Honk!

Mr Goose.

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Moronic chain emails

If there’s one thing that really gets my feathers ruffled it’s those STUPID chain emails people keep sending to my personal, private email address. Ok, ‘no names, no pack drill’ – but you know who you are!

The truth about chain emails…

Well, I’ll let you all into a little secret: they are all lies. No! you won’t be receiving $1000 dollars from Microsoft for sending ‘this email’ to all your buddies. No! the ‘missing child’ isn’t really missing. She doesn’t actually exist. And No! sending ‘this email’ to everyone you know won’t give you eternal good luck. It won’t make you rich or famous beyond your wildest dreams. It won’t make you beautiful or desirable to the opposite sex (or the same sex if that’s what floats your boat). There is no free trip to Disneyland. Nokia and Ericsson are not giving away free phones. No amount of spamming your mates, (or by now former mates) will cure anyone’s cancer, epilepsy or migraines. And it won’t even touch herpes, chlamydia or any of those ‘social diseases’ you may have contracted after a few good nights out on the town.

So please do NOT forward those stupid chain mails to me!

Chain emails are about as welcome here as a dose of the pox! And I have a special message for the spiteful morons who send me those vile ‘you will have a lifetime of bad luck if you don’t pass on this email to all your friends‘ variety. Cobblers! My ‘bad luck‘ is that I might be in some way associated with you!

On a scale of credibility that already dips well into minus-figures, the most moronic of all the chain emails has to be the the exceptionally dumb Sainsbury’s Vouchers hoax that’s currently doing the rounds here in Old Blighty. And hundreds of silly, greedy Brits have actually fallen for it! Hardly surprising I suppose as this lot actually voted again for that mass-murdering, war-mongering, grinning, two-faced shyster Blair, when he really ought to be serving a long stretch in one of ‘Her Majesty’s hotels’ for war crimes!

Anyway, I will be giving you all the full benefit of my opinion regarding chain emails in a later blog entry. Meantime, here are some sites to visit, particularly with regard to the Sainsbury’s hoax. And just to make it perfectly clear even for those with AOL accounts because in my experience, AOLers seem to be a particularly gullible bunch…

NO! Sainsbury’s is NOT going to give you £60 if you send that dumbassed email to ten of your friends.

It is a HOAX!Mr Goose, you don’t actually have 10 friends, do you? Ed.

AOLers and others with learning difficulties should ask a responsible grown-up to read and explain these to you…

Sites specific to the 2005 October Sainsbury’s hoax…
http://www.sophos.com/virusinfo/hoaxes/sainsburys.html
http://www.sophos.com/spaminfo/articles/sainchain.html
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/sainsburys-voucher-hoax.html
http://www.webuser.co.uk/news/69613.html

Recent postings on forums & blogs about the Sainsbury’s hoax…
http://s12.invisionfree.com/HoaxSlayer_Forums/index.php?showtopic=91&view=getnewpost
http://www.rover800.co.uk/e107_plugins/forum/forum_viewtopic.php?2099
http://chris-linfoot.net/d6plinks/CWLT-6HBLDH

People who are as miffed as me with the morons who forward this stupid, obvious hoax. Also, one poster suggests the hoax is actually an email harvesting scam…
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=104227

Good general reading about email hoaxes…
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/nothing/billgate.asp
http://www.hoax-slayer.com/

One of the best resources on the web for debunking urban myths
http://www.snopes.com/

Sainsbury’s response to the hoax (go to bottom of their web page)…
http://www.sainsbury.co.uk/shoppingandservices/FAQs/aboutourcompany.htm#100

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Hurricanes hit Southampton

A major category 2 hurricane called Shazza hit Southampton in the early hours of Tuedsay afternoon The hurricane epicentre was the fashionable suburb of Shirley. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering “faaackin ell!”

The hurricane decimated the area causing nearly £50 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costa’s were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro-cheques arrived.

Local radio station, Power FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Shirley apart from the regular punch-up’s outside the Henry Paget pub at closing time.

Nearby Millbrook resident, Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “I was, like, really freaking out! My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom smoking a large spliff crying “What the f*** was that?”

My youngest two Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha on the telly the next morning. I must ‘av smoked 60 Lambert ‘n’ Butlers while I shat meself!”

However it was business as usual for some inhabitants. Muggings, looting, petty drug-dealing, spraying graffiti, senseless acts of vandalism, wife-beating and car crime carried on as normal.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, bone china from Poundland and a wide variety of well-used drug-taking apparatus. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight and special fried rice with curry sauce to the area to help the stricken locals.

How can you help?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include…

  • FILA baseball caps
  • “England” football shirts
  • Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
  • Shell suits & leggings (female)
  • White sport socks
  • Rockport boots
  • Any garments by Burberry
  • Any items by George at Asda or Oswald Bailey

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include…

  • Microwave meals
  • Pork scratchings
  • Tins of baked beans
  • Ice cream
  • 500 ml cans of lager, preferably Carlsberg Special Brew.
  • 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
  • £2 buys chips, crisps, blue fizzy drinks and Slush Puppies for a family of 7
  • £5 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
  • And 25p buys a packet of Rizlas for recycling cigarette-ends and for spliff-rolling – a quasi-religious ceremony enjoyed by the indigenous peoples of Southampton.

Breaking news

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble covered in blood. “Where are you bleeding from?” they asked her.

“Bleedin’ Woolston” retorted the child angrily, “Woss that faaackin got to do wiv you?”

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My poem about wales

Sorry if this offends any Welsh people out there, but this needs be said, preferably in the style of Richard Burton reading Dylan Thomas’s Under Milkwood, on a grey wet Welsh sort of day. In fact, the inimitable Mr G actually was inspired to write this poem after spending a rainy day in Holyhead and discussing the matter with some very disgruntled young locals. When asked what it was like living in Holyhead, all at once they chanted, “Bloody ‘orrible! We can’t wait to grow up & leave!”

Got some great pictures of Holyhead and the Menai Bridge though.

Grim, grey, grimy & grim,
That’s the Wales that I lived in.
Skies grey & black, deep dark bible black.
No bloody wonder I don’t want to go back!