NHS Boat Race

This fairy tale was sent to me for publication. It’s sender asked to remain anonymous…

Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a Japanese team and a team representing the British National Health Service (NHS). Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the day the Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the NHS team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the NHS team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

Senior Management immediately hired a consultant company at great expense to do a study on the team’s structure. Millions of pounds and several months later they concluded at a press conference that, Too many people were steering and not enough were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese team next year the team structure was changed to three Assistant Steering Managers, three Steering Managers, one Executive Steering Manager and a Director of Steering Services. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year the Japanese team won by an even larger distance. The NHS laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to Senior Management.

Of course, this is only a fairy story, isn’t it?

A matter of record

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Tom Thumb said, “I must be the smallest person in the world.”

Quasimodo said, “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”

They all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records in London to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. “It’s official! I AM the most beautiful girl in the world!”

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly shouting, “I am officially the smallest person in the world.”

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked plaintifly, “Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?”

Super ENGLAND Banners going cheap!!!

New from Goose Enterprises

Click to view full size image

Yes folks, everyone knows that England is crap at football and will almost certainly lose again. But you can always show your fellow motorists just what a loser you really are with these super new Goose Enterprises England banners.

Fed up with not getting enough attention when you park in the disabled bay at the super market? These banners will certainly get you noticed! Now you can drive at 90 MPH over pedestrian crossings whilst using your mobile phone and smoking a cigarette with the other hand, all the time knowing that other drivers can see what a moron you really are. These banners are the perfect accompaniment to unfunny personalised number plates and moronic bumper stickers. Designed to fit neatly on top of your mismatching England flags, these pieces of old tat will really make your car even more dangerous to other road users than just having a couple of crappy old flags. Flags may only blind a few cyclists but these things weigh a ton and can really fall off and kill people! These superb products are designed to fit all sorts of vehicle usually driven by England fans including…

  • Ford Mondeo
  • Vauxhall Astra
  • BMW 3 series (the irony of driving a German car usually escapes the average England fan)
  • Any type of white van

Only £199.00 each! Special offer £500.00 for two!!!

What are you waiting for? Get yours now! Send large amounts of cash to…

Goose Enterprises
1, The Pond
The Common

(Please allow 3 years for delivery and for me to leave the country with all your money.)

Iraq fiasco

I didn’t want to go to war. I don’t know anyone in the UK who did. So you’ll be glad to learn that it seems our press is finally waking up to the fact that people this side of the pond are more than a little hacked-off that Blair & his cronies have continually lied their heads off about Iraq – conning us into a war that no one except the criminally insane wanted in the first place…

Of course, Tony Blair is an anagram of ‘liar by ton’ – a fact I discovered when I stumbled across a site full of unflattering Blair/Bush anagrams.


Anyway, according to former (& slightly senile) BBC American correspondent Alistair Cook, in his 15 minute slot on BBC World service entitled ‘Letter From America’, Blair is held in great esteem in the US. Is this true? Bollocks I say! Blair may be more intelligent than Bush not difficult let’s face it – but he is just as dishonest! Take it from me, Blair & his buddies are as bent as a nine pound note!

Worse than Thatcher – the woman who proved that mad-cow-disease could indeed be transferred to humans – Blair has serious delusions of grandeur as he contemplates his place in history. Originally, he thought this would be achieved by taking UK into the Euro currency (quite a good idea IMHO). Instead he got us mixed up in this Iraq fiasco. In fact Blair has led the UK into five wars since his election in 1997 – Kosovo, Sierra Leone, Afghanistan & Iraq. But it’s a war of a different kind I find particularly intriguing…

One of Blair’s most senior, yet unelected spin doctors, a shadowy character called Alistair Campbell, recently launched a vicious verbal & written attack of the BBC for daring to suggest that the first Iraq Dossier was ‘sexed up’.

Bad move IMHO because ‘Aunty Beeb’ is still quite highly regarded here. Even our seemingly gullible electorate, when given the choice of ‘who do you trust, Blair or Beeb’, only a total moron would choose that grinning shyster. Even if Blair were more honest than Jesus Christ, we Brits would think twice before buying a second-hand car from a bloke who smiles so much!

Not that our poker-faced & stammering Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw ranks much higher in our affections. He has finally admitted that the second Iraq Dossier – the one that was plagiarised from a 10 year old PHD student’s thesis posted on the internet same document that Colin Powel told the UN was an exquisite piece of work was, and I quote, ‘a complete Horlicks’. Of course, our last Foreign Secretary, Robin Cook resigned over Iraq before hostilities began because he didn’t believe his Government’s pro-war hype. Nevertheless, despite the ‘dodgy dossier’ & the diminishing credibility of the first waste-of-paper, the ‘Man of Straw’ still insists the Niger plutonium bullshit is actually true. However he fails to produce any real evidence to support this view.

Or to be more precise, the flimsy evidence he does offer is at least 12 years old!

Looks like the Niger plutonium thing is starting to give the Aussie PM John Howard a bit of a headache too!

And I’m really glad to see that Bush is finally coming under a bit of fire at home.

What took the Democrats so long? Perhaps it may take a few honest Republicans to join the fight too? Presumably there are some? Seems to me that impeachment is too good for Bush. Prison seems more appropriate! IMHO the ‘high crime’ of starting an illegal war really deserves a custodial sentence. Perhaps Bush could be sentenced to share a 2-metre-square, open-air cage with Blair for a while; somewhere ‘nice & sunny’ like Guantanamo? Actually, we’d settle for Blair doing a spell at ‘Her Majesty’s pleasure’ in one of our crumbling, overcrowded & inhumane ruins that he has allowed to fill-to-the-brim & decay due to lack of funds. Ah well, one can dream.

Talking of grotesque, flagrant abuses of power, I wonder if there’s any truth in this, from the Canadian-based Global Research website?

Well that’s enough depressing stuff for now. My message to the ‘real’ Americans is, keep up the protests. Be as big a pain-in-the-ass as you can! It seems to me that the true American heroes are the ones who stand up against injustice & wrongdoing – not those who ‘just follow orders’.

I am constantly meeting people who, IMHO, unfairly regard USA as a nation of ‘gun-slinging warmongers’ and/or ‘corporate fraudsters. This is largely thanks to the actions of that monkey-faced moron in the White House & the shady bunch of ‘neocon’ loonies that pull his strings. Yet, despite growing misgivings about the Iraq war in the UK press, even in the Murdoch-owned sector, our mainstream media still shows very little of the ‘real’ America & what people of principle are about.

Like Saddam and his mates, Bush and his cronies now have a deck of cards produced in their honour. Dubbed the ‘Worlds Least Wanted’, I thought this was quite an amusing idea…

In fact the http://www.tvnewslies.org site provides a thoroughly splendid resource for those of us who are less than happy with our leaders. Might even reduce my Guinness consumption for a few days & send them a few quid.

Finally, this isn’t exactly news so you have probably heard it before but I found this quote from Herman Goering on the ‘Resource Center for Non Violence’ website quite thought provoking…