Weather machine conspiracy: the truth behind Washington DC’s heatwave
As temperatures in Washington DC reach record highs in excess of 40°C, seven loyal Trump supporters have been hospitalised, due to the excessive heat. Of course, no one can possibly blame the US president’s high-quality, safe, and long-lasting construction projects for any this. It’s not the president’s job to make sure these plebs are safe. In fact it’s almsot criminal that these losers allowed themselves to fall ill, and potentially ruin Mr. Trump’s much-anticipated birthday celebrations.
Though many people are saying they are liberals in disguise, attempting to sabotage the festivities. Besides, it’s reported that the other dozen or so billions people that attended Mr Trump’s extended birthday bash Freedom 250 State Fair are mostly OK, probably.
Weather machine
Also, there is mounting evidence that liberals have invented a weather machine and are deliberately manipulating the weather in Washington DC to make Mr trump look bad. The fact that American weather is being manipulated by liberals was first discovered by Kylie Jane Kremer. Ms Kremer is a dedicated Trump supporter, and daughter of Women for Trump’s Amy Kremer. Which means her theory is based on scientific fact, without even the merest hint of any political bias or anything like that.
My investigation led me to an innocent-looking garden shed in southern England. It is well-known that innocent looking garden sheds are where many evil scientists create their most evil inventions. If you look closely at this shed, it has a weather machine bolted to its roof, complete with a little wind turbine thing on the top. The owner claims the little turbine is only to measure the wind speed. But as any dedicated Trump supporter will tell you, all wind turbines are evil. They are well-known for killing wild birds and whales, and the sound they make can give you cancer. Mr Trump said so.
Worse than that, wind turbines can spoil the views from tastefully decorated clubhouses in prestigious Scottish golf courses, which is truly evil. Even worse than all of that, this one has a solar panel on the front. Which means it runs on free energy. Which is really, really evil, when the president has made it clear we must drill, drill, drill for more oil.
Aeolus One
The weather machine is called “Aeolus One”. I don’t have the exact location yet because my sat-nav is on the blink again. But Aeolus was the Greek god of the winds. So that proves this thing is pretty damned evil.
The machine is controlled by a mobile phone. As the screen capture shows, all its dials and gauges are calibrated using the metric system. Which as we know was invented by evil communist Chinese satanists, and Canada, and possibly the French, to give them unfair advantage. The metric system is evil, just like AI – unless it’s American AI, of course, which is OK. In fact it clearly says in the Bible that American AI is the AI that Jesus would have used. Jesus said so when he did the Giving of the 5,000 Guns. Or something like that. Anyway, I digress…
Sucks all the coolness
At the heart of the machine lies a transponder. As you can see from the photo, the central blue light is off. This is because the machine is interfering with God’s natural aircon in Washington DC, which is sort of in the middle of America. The middle blue light being off means the weather machine has literally switched off the coolness in the middle of America. In fact, evil weather machines like this one have been is draining all the coolness from Red States and redistributing it to Blue States for some time. Which is why Blue states all have fairly pleasant weather at the moment.
It’s only a matter of time before United States attorney for the District of Columbia, and former reality TV judge, Jeanine Pirro issues an indictment, and initiates extradition proceedings against the perpetrators. However, she firstly has to finish her winebox and prosecute former Olympic canoeist Davey Hearn for touching the peeling lining in Trump’s recently refurbished Paddling Reflecting Pool. The lining of which is peeling off in huge lumps purely because this guy touched it with his evil fingers. It has nothing at all to do with the fact it was a shoddy refurb job. And it definitely has absolutely nothing to do with Trump’s entourage thundering over it for a photo op, in a shit-tonne of heavily-armoured luxury limousines, a few weeks earlier.
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Rumours are also circulating that one of the evil liberal scientists involved in this weather manipulation scandal is English drag artist, Ebenezer Goose. Mr Goose is well known locally for honking loudly about Mr Trump, and covering himself in white feathers to disguise the fact that he is in fact a black male lesbian socialist. Locals claim that Mr Goose recently donned a blond wig and impersonated Donald Trump, praying to baby Jesus for unpleasant weather deliberately to spoil Mr. Trump’s birthday celebrations. If this is true, Judge Janine will soon be opening another winebox and filing charges against Mr Goose for witchcraft.
Editors comment: are we certain the record temperatures are not due to climate change? Ed.
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